That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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