my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
