i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
