I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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