he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
