I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
she told me i tasted like america
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
