I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
