Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
