my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
We were destined to go to rehab together
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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