Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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