I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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