Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
