she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
This house was built for laser tag.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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