just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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