my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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