OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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