The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
