So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
