pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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