I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
