i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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