The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
