Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
