He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
