After last night, I could never be a politician.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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