We need to rekindle our bromance
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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