Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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