There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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