I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
