There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
