just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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