I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
