dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
