my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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