also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
