I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
