he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
