Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
