apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
