i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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