so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
