A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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