4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
