My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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