My room smells like vodka and shame
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
