Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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