I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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