I cannot find my penis.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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