I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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