watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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