that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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